I once again angered Sevgilim today with my not trusting her and wondering where she was. My mind kept racing that she was up to no good. She called saying she had to get her shoes and one more thing, then she would be home. Five hours later she arrived and i immediately questioned her. She responded by being mad. Yet what do i need to get through this? Being what i am now without walls i am hurt very easily. I am a child when it comes to this. What do i need? I need nothing less than the love that my Father showed me. In my distrust he did not anger but was there to give only assurance as a parent should give to a child. Anger is selfishness, assurance is love. Coming from not being able to trust in childhood to coming from Israel where the lies were the only truth known, i need assurance for a little while and constantly. She showers me with it when we are alone but not when others are around. Thus, allowing for withdrawal in my time of greatest need. How long will i need her for this i do not know, but i pray that she loves me enough to give me this and understand this. If i cannot receive it from her then i know that i will continually receive it from GOD. But am i saying truth? For the day i questioned his love and being there for me, he withdrew and i knew fear without him from that point on. My assurance was in my faith to him and i began to see the many blessings i had been given and i did not doubt his love. I do not doubt his love no matter what, for even though i sometimes feel far from him, he is always with me, loving me. Should not the same hold true for Sevgilim? Is it not assurance that i need? It is a belief without doubt that she loves me. I have nothing and she feeds me, she cloths me, cares for me in my sickness, i anger her again and again but she forgives me, yet i still question her. How ungrateful and insecure i am. I pray my Father enables me to love her as i love him, without doubt. For without that there is no reason to be in a relationship with her. For i will only continue to hurt her and it is something i do not wish to continue to do.
All i was to do in my journey has been learned. I followed the spiritual paths and went through the initiations and took my nazarite vow. All this was done to renounce the world and be a devoted servant to my Father. I was shown a choice while serving in Israel; to stay and usher in the beginning of the sorrows or return to Turkey and Sevgilim who was given to me by all the gods of this world but i would not have known unless the hand of my Father had been within it. The nature of the world was used and all its ways to bring about the desire of carnality and i acted upon it but it would not have happened if I had not received the three visions of her before our ever meeting. So now the days come and i think upon how i may please her, who is becoming my wife, and not only how i may please my GOD. Yet what are the acts and what can i do that is pleasing to GOD?